alone in a sea of relation

Femi's Family frequently forgets to fake feelings for her. well no its not quite that bad. but heres the kind of thing that goes down. my b day was in june no one called or sent a card nothing..... i get in to graduate school same deal no one calls or sends a card or nothing. my cousin has a birthday and he gets three cakes gifts the whole nine. my family is in mariage mode two of my cousins are getting married in the next year... but they scheduled thier weddings knowing that i wouldnt be able to come because of school and stuff and instead of acting like they care that i wont be there they say and i qoute "we know ..... we were kinda planning on you not being there" and the end all be all of heart wrenching pain my aunt wants me to get gastric bipass because she feels it would let me walk better im 30 pounds over weight thats true but ive recently lost 45 pounds and its not done anything for the way i get around cuase duh Femi has cerebral palsy. but my family wont take my word for it they swear up and down the reason i have joint problems is my weight........

something to think about

http://notexactlyrocketscience.wordpress.com/2006/12/25/christmas-special-virgin-birth-by-komodo-dragons/

i just thought this was fucking amazing....... kamodo dragons that have virgin births. intresting implications for the christian christ story......... wonderful a real thing to think about.

book review - Sylvia Brown's book of Angels

after seeing Sylvia Browne on the Montel Willam's show for the last I dont know ten years, and seeing that she has like a new book published every freaking week I thought Id give one a try. Why did I choose this one? because if you put aside the psychic stuff which I respect but dont yet know if i believe one hundred percent of the time, this book lays out the agnositc view Mrs. Browne has of God and the way angels work. It was all together fasnating though I must say if you are Christian and tolerance of other religions is not your strong suit your going to have trouble with this book. however if you can consider the book based on its merit and as Sylvia says take what you want and leave the rest you might just find some things that are worthwhile.

that being said, the books prose style is a bit rushed and lacks polish. it can be a bit tedious. but it still merits *** out of *****

Da vinci and the illuminati

this is davinci or a close faxsimile of davinci he is my jelly bean frog. he has two friends african dawarf frogs named the illuminati the bet store says that he will eventually eat them so... we will see how that goes. The big list of things to do besides cut says to stare at a fish tank for twenty minutes straight. but im too crazy for that.... i need something weird thus frogs..... we will see how it works

fed the fuck up

A bit of a disclaimer this evening I am a fraud. this isnt my wrist though if I was feeling the least bit worthy of comfort it would be. I got this image from another place in the vast reaches of the net. I wont go as far as to say that what you see is a good thing Im simply saying I understand that sentiment. Seriously sometimes its just like wtf? to the point that it bubbles up to your skin and itches you from the inside out till you let it go. This is a strange place that I am in tonight well this morning as it is almost 3am..... Yet another person has gone running from my life simply because they can not afford to give and I have nothing left for them to take and yet I am and i qoute "dificult to love" but if you prob that deeper you get the following "your doing so much with your life and mine doesnt seem to compare and it scares me" honestly its all kinda left me in this place where i want to cut to scream at the world in the only way i know how WTF, but that seems to just be rolling over for the cycle then the next person who meets me and panics can say oh its not my fault shes damaged and so its ok that i cant handle it. NO MORE people this is what i have to say about things Ill own my shit and you own yours understand? if you leave its because you feel threatened and scared and whatever else but it is not a reflection on me or my worth to the universe or to myself. so i will not cut for you i will not give you the excuse when you feel alone and worthless and helpless and I am not there and you come crawling back in my life saying Femi femi please pick me up the way that you used to Femi will say Mama dont play that way ........ and you will be left wondering wtf is up with your life.

movie review- Hancock

I saw Hancock staring Will Smith and Charlize Theron on July 4th as a protest against traffic and rain. It is a great movie if your a blender type of person. By this i mean that its not your classic superhero movie as in big bad villan whom the hero spends the whole film trying to vanquish. Instead this movie about a superhero with all the issue one would figure a real superhero would have, think PR issues and an alchol problem. This is a superhero movie in the line of "Unbreakable" with twists and turns that make you consider the metaphysics of superhero logic. The star power is good but not over done and the over all message leaves you feeling good and suprisingly understood if your a loner like myself. I give it *** out of *****, why not five stars because this movie doesnt seem to pack the punch that it could. in a way there is too much thinker and not enough superhero.

some thoughts on independance day

Theres a big bang in honor of the fourth. Today has got me thinking hard about independance and what it all means. I think for indvidauals with disablities independance and adaptation go hand in hand. This train of thought led me to something startling most Americans know at least a few of the major figures in the fight for independance against Britian. Most African American indviduals that I know know who Harriet Tubman is and so forth. By contrast I have no idea who invented the wheelchair, or the loftstran crutch or the AFO or how bout hand controls for cars? I havent got a clue this is a complete shame the indviduals who invented these types of aides along with the leaders of the deinstutionalization movement are the very people who handed me my freedom. Ive been doing research about the inventors of the wheelchair and will post what i find here as a poor excuse for a tribute

"

According to About.com the first dedicated wheelchair was made for Phillip the II of Spain it was called and invalids chair (cringe at some point i will need to post about langage as it relates to disabled society) According to an excerpt from the book entitled Life on Wheels by Gary Karp , " In 1869 wheelchair patent gave rise to a model with rear push wheels and small front casters; it was followed by a variety of more fanciful models, such as tricycle chairs, high-speed hand-cranked models, and wheeled attachments for rocking chairs."

the manual wheelchair of today with a folding tubular metal frame was created in 1933 according to "Everst and Jennings inside Goliath's fall from Grace" by mark smith which can be found in full form at http://www.wheelchairjunkie.com/ej.html

The year was 1933, and two friends, Herbert Everest, a paralyzed mining engineer, and Harry Jennings, a mechanical engineer, prepared to launch the latest innovation in "invalid carriages" from their West Los Angeles garage: A lighter, better-performing version of a tubular steel, folding manual wheelchair previously patented by another inventor in 1909. E&J's version featured an innovative X-frame, allowing the chair to easily fold for transport, yet remain relatively rigid in use - and a patent was granted in 1937 for their improvements.By 1943, E&J's X-frame design was catching on as an industry leader, even with President Roosevelt, whom commissioned E&J to build him a chair for use on his airplane. What's more, in 1953, the Red Cross ordered 5,000 wheelchairs from E&J for returning World War II servicemen, and in 1956, the company released the first mass-market powerchair.

there you have it. dont just enjoy your independence be knowledgeable about it.

cool websites

I just wanted to take a minute and post some cool websites I've found while wasting time in various internet cafes waiting to see if I have to work or not. Alas the wonders of having a job thats completely on call.

http://pandora.com- free costomizable internet radio. You give the music genome project an artist or a song title and it creates a radio station all around your favorite tunes.
http://meetup.com- a site full of social meetups and groups. The site posts up the time and place of a group meeting that fits your particular intrest. theres a meetup in almost every city around the globe. Im a big fan of the boardgames meetup.

http://meebo.com- on a public computer that doesnt have your particular messenging program loaded? Meebo enough said

http://dailystrength.com- this might be a .org cant seem to remember this is a clearing house of support if you have it you can find a group and fourum for it

http://pandorasaquarium.org this one might be .com i cant really remember either but if you have experinced any kind of sexual damage this is the place for you these ppl know a great deal about how to get through it weather it just happened or happened years ago.

well thats it for now ill post again as i get more

See Blue

Graduate School a teany tiny Huge deal. I originally thought the biggest thing about graduate school was making sure you could get in. that as long as I got in everything would be fine. There was actually a lot of doubt about weather I would get in or not. My health was such that I was in the hospital for up to three months every year of my undergraduate existance. my grades were good I graduated with a 3.35 but its not a 4.0. At the same time I didnt have a whole lot of feild specific experinces i did volunteer work and that kind of thing but I didnt have any internships or anything like that. So I applied to the Univeristy of Kentucky almost positive that I wasnt going to make the cut. I also applied to IUPUI as a fall back school.

The first response I got was a rejection from IUPUI this was confidence shaking because my mother is a director of graduate programs for another school in that univeristy system. So I have spent most of my waking hours since i got the rejection trying to figure out a plan B in case UK didnt want me. This was really a rough experince because to reapply to other graduate schools would mean doing something anything with my life for a year until applicaton time rolled around again. All the while trying to make sure that whatever i did increased my chances of getting in to wherever i decided to apply to as my second string

To make matters worse the UK college of social work was drastically behind on thier acceptance process this year, app deadlines were in April and I didnt receive my notification until 6/4. the space in between was agony. When i first opened the letters (one from the school of social work and one from the graduate school) and saw the we are pleased to inform you..... there was screaming and jumping up and down and that night included several bottles of champane and dancing

but later the next morning I freaked out well as much as a person with a slamming hangover can panic. I havent been a student for a year now and how diffrent are the classes going to be would i be able to suceed .....ad nauesum

so far I have coped with my anxiety by trying to do some research.. I went to the public library to see if there were any strategy books for graduate school students and so on. but there wasnt any. so now im scouring the internet and will put the links to what i find here

the moral of this post...... Joy and Terror are only a breath apart.

helpful links:
http://gradschool.about.com/cs/studytips1/a/newworld.htm - some basic information on how to modify your study habits in order to be successful on the graduate level talks about the diffrent kind of learning you will be asked to do as well as how much professors really expect of you.
http://gradschool.about.com/cs/transitions/a/howgraddiff.htm - a break down of the diffrences between undergraduate culture and the graduate school way of life.

introduction to the many shades

My name is Femi and I'm a damaged girl, notice I said damaged not destroyed. Also it is worth mentioning that there is more to me than the broken pieces. I am in the process of creating a beautiful self a mosaic of all my experinces.
The damage has many shades and forms. I have disturbingly typical family issues, chronic illness, addiction, sexual trauma. But I am a richer and more vibrant person because of all the shading and shifting. This blog is my attempt to cronicle the process of finding one's self, when your early stages are fractured. Possibly to give others a starting point and a refrence or maybe just a space to feel safe.

In this blog you will find posts about everything from thearpy, to graduate school, to social issues and hobbies and possibly even some creative efforts. take from it what you can and leave the rest. Happy exploring....